Kevin's Story
Here's my story It might be a bit of a read, I am glad I finally found out what I have, which is GAD, with some depression and OCD.
I have been taking Lexipro 5mg and some Valium when I get really aggitated and I feel so much better.
I hope that I can count on all your support. I found out finally what was wrong with me by going for a mental assesment and being diagnosed by mental health nurses and a psyciatrist.
Well I feel I might of always had an anxious personality, the breaking point I feel can be pointed at the events when I was 16,
I had some previous issues that where stressful but didn't envoke that much anxiety, when I had a problem usally I would mentally look at it, exaimine the evidence and analyze it and reach a conclusion. I wasn't teased really much at all during my school days, During High School I got a little upset over some incidents where a new kid came to our school to escape his nasty nicknames and rumors and because I was absent at the time he tryed to make out they applied to me, this I found upsetting because I did nothing to earn these nicknames and rumors it wasn't very frequent and I didn't know where all these rumors came from when I found out the source I was rather mad but by that time I knew some of the poeple more "friendly" and they didn't care anyway and said sorry. I never cared again about it after that.
When I was completing my year 11 the year that high school student's face their first series of exams (there where two the midyear ones and the more important end year ones) During the mid year ones I experianced extreme nerviousness and usally threw up in the morning before going to the exam. I experianced the same or more nerviousness during the end of year exams.
Towards the end of the year I was making new friends and kept getting invited to join a group of students, I felt their personalitys didn't really match mine and they where rather silly, later on I found out that a lot of there sillyness might of been because they where constently smoking pot, I decided that wasn't for me because I don't do drugs so I never went to talk to them but I didn't mind them, there humor was rather primtive and they used to push each other over and bump into each other and make fun of each other now and again, When this happened to me I wasn't sure if they did this because they thought I was one of them and where doing it in a friendly context or it was an insultive thing. After each incident I analyzed it and put it out of my head- at this time I was more and more stressed from studying and I began to react more sensitivly to bad social reactions or reactions I percived as negative and it became harder to put matters to rest and calm down about things. I have also a very low opinion of people on drugs at that time after losing a friend to them.
Then During the second to last exam I was extremly nervious I kept saying to myself how much I needed a holiday NOW! and that I needed to calm down. I experianced one of those teasing incidents from them and was on my way home when a car nearly hit me it jumped my mind and I rememeber saying to myself in my head "I COULD OF BEEN KILLED" I kept going through the events of that day and what I was thinking about and analzing the teasing incident I was extremly shaken up and couldn't calm down for some reason I dismissed the car accident from the head and just focused on analyzing what I was thinking before; about the teasing incident or possible teasing incident, when I went back to take my last exam I finished it but did not feel calmer, I felt other panics such as if I would pass or not and I regared the car accident as minor and tryed to block it out- I became more and more aroused by my anxiety and thoguht it would calm down with time.
I collected my report card and dissmissed the anxiety that I might not of passed and I wasnt concerned about the car accident because I said to my self; why it didn't hit you, but the one thing I couldn't dismiss was the analysing of the issue I was thinking about from my head the possible teasing incident/ I felt it was silly and would soon go but I found it would not and my anxiety wouldn't go down I kept tossing the evnts of how I got anxious into my head and went though them in my mind and tryed my best to calm back down but it didn't work- In my mind I remember saying; so you have passed year 11 no need to worry about that, so the car didn't hit you and maybe it wasn't even as close as you think so forget about that why would I be upset, and the teasing analysis well if they are teasing me because I didn't want to join ther group and take drugs well then who cares I don't, I can get over it. but I just coundn't calm down and the only thing I thought could be causeing my anxiety was the fact that I was teased, because I thought well logically I have to be uset about something??? it's the only thing left?? I told my mother and father and we discussed the issue's and they said that I had nothing to worry about and that they most likely wanted to be my friend and that different groups have different mannerisms and acceptable behaviour and in the worst case it was good because I didn't give into peer pressure and maintained my stance on not takeing drugs and that everything else was fine and I should calm down.
I spend the holidays aroused/anxious and analysing the incident and thinking that must be what was wrong I blocked out the car accident and started thinking that maybe it didn't happen anyway. I felt more and more lost and "not myself" and this continued- I had attempts at calming down but I couldn't so the cycle started again and the memories of me being anxious made me more anxious.
I thought that when I went back to school it would go away, but it did not and I felt more depressed and then towards the end of the year my father started getting sick.
I finished school and then it turn out my father had cancer in his spine and I couldn't go on to further study as I needed to help my mother cope as well as look after him. My anxiety became worse and worse, and my hair started falling out and I felt more sader and lost and it went on and on, I didn't want to make a fuss about myself I would of gone for mental but I didn't want to create more problems so I just hanged in there and delt with it.
before all this started I had a great sense of identity and self esteem and a great attitude to life.
My father passed away and now I have found a job, saved up the money to learn to drive, learn't to drive got a car and started up my ongoing education; I am now 23.....