Sarah's Story
Being Bulimic: The Dark Secret I hid From the Love Of My Life...
I'm sitting here at my boyfriends house... Remembering my bulimic days.... I'm having a cup of peppermint tea and 2 pieces of toast. I'm having fun - even though I'm all alone. I'm feeling relaxed.
But... I remember a time when I couldn't possibly relax here. Especially when I was left alone.
You see... His pantry is the type that both terrifies and excites bulimic people! It's stuffed to the brim with buns, biscuits, chocolates, sweets, chips, spreads and so on. When I was left alone here, I'd be in the pantry in a flash. I felt at ease binging because there was SO much food... It was unlikely my binge would be noticed. I'd eat and eat and eat... My brain would flick off and I would chow down everything in sight. I'd phone him from time to time to see if he was on his way home. To know if I could eat more, or if I should throw up without delay. Of course I'd make up some other excuse - I miss you, I love you, I just wanted to say hi. Once my binge was over, I'd quickly go and throw up. I'd rinse my mouth out, brush my teeth and wipe my face... Then walk away as though I had never done anything out of the ordinary.
I was exhausted... My heart was pounding, my throat was burning... But - I hid it all. I was fine.
When he arrived back home - he was none the wiser. I'd have a meal waiting for him, a movie to watch and a blanket to snuggle on the couch. I was the perfect girlfriend... With a very dark secret.
When my Boyfriend Discovered I was Bulimic
My worst nightmare was my boyfriend discovering my bulimia. He was my breath of fresh air, he was the absolute love of my life. he thought I was perfect - and I wanted it to stay that way. That's why when he said this to me one day... Sarah, do you sometimes throw up after you eat?
My life felt as though it was falling apart. I felt as though I was made of ice and somebody had put a blow torch on me. I had no other choice but to tell him the truth. Of course I only gave him the most basic of my bulimia info... I spared him from the details and the true degree of my illness! I told him I threw up about once a day. The truth was about 15 times that amount! he wasn't angry or disappointed... He just felt sad for me. He knew my secret... But, guess what?
Opening Up About My Bulimia Made Our Relationship Even Stronger!
Funnily enough, when he learnt I was bulimic, it was a turning point in our relationship. I slowly began to open up to him. Our relationship became deeper and more real. he said that he used to feel I was hiding something from him, that the sarah he knew wasn't 100% real. He couldn't have been more right... My life was an act - a constant and exhausting attempt to hide my bulimia. Once I stopped acting, I could slowly let the real me shine through. I had forgotten who I was when I was bulimic... But, as I began to recover and open up about my illness, the old sarah started coming back... And, I learnt to love myself again. Cheesy but true!
Opening Up About Being Bulimic Saved My Life
Gradually I realized that people wouldn't hate me if I was bulimic. I realized that I could open up to people I trusted - and they would still respect me. I realized that people aren't as judgmental and as critical as I'd grown to believe. The more I talked about my bulimic experience, the more I felt able to conquer it... I began to understand that bulimia was not everything about my life... It was but a small part of my life... A small part that I could beat. And... I did beat bulimia!
4 years Bulimia Free!
My Boyfriend discovered my bulimic secret 5 years ago. A year later I had fully recovered. Now, 4 years down the track I am still 100% free of bulimia. I don't binge and I don't purge. Eating normally now comes naturally. Never allow yourself to think that bulimia is a lifelong illness. It's not! You can make a complete recovery from bulimia - just as I did. I am more certain of that than anything!