Laura's Story
"In year 11, I was going to my debutantes' ball and borrowed my
cousin's dress. She was the same size as me but a different build. When I
tried it on, it didn't fit in one area and a friend said, 'Oh, you
might need to lose a bit of weight.' "Although I was slim, I was a
perfectionist. Standards that seemed high to others were mediocre to me.
I thought, 'That's something else that's not perfect about me', so I
started losing weight. I cut out junk food and sweets, then potato,
rice, pasta and bread. By the ball, the dress was too big for me, but I
was now obsessed with losing weight.
"I would spend an hour on
the treadmill in the mornings, have a little bowl of cereal, sushi rolls
or a salad for lunch, then a bit of what Mum was serving for dinner.
But I had to watch her serving up. My portion
had to be smaller than everyone else's and I had to have done something
like clean the house, finish my homework or exercise first, otherwise I
didn't feel I deserved it.
Starvation's effects
"Mum got really stressed. She'd put extra on everyone else's plate to make my serving look smaller.
"The
less I ate, the less I was able to think straight. I knew I was thin
but voices in my head told me: 'There's still some fat there, there's
still a bulge here,' so I continued restricting my intake and covered
myself up with jumpers so my family wouldn't notice.
"One day,
though, Mum saw me in town with my jumper off. I am 168 centimetres
tall, but I weighed 37 kilos. She was horrified and took me to the
doctor. I ended up being referred to a specialist.
"He told me I had anorexia
and was not allowed to go home. Instead, I saw in the 2006 new year in a
hospital ward. My family visited every day and stayed until late at
night. In the bed opposite was a 12-year-old girl with anorexia on a
feeding tube.
The turning point
"Mum said, 'If you don't eat, that's what will happen to you.' I
still wept through every meal, though. One day, Mum was trying to get me
to eat nuts and said, 'If you eat, your brain will get better and you
won't keep hearing those voices in your head.' Something clicked then. I
really wanted to get rid of those voices, so I started eating. Once I
put on weight, I was able to finish year 12 and started at uni.
"However,
I still hadn't dealt with the underlying issues of my anorexia. I was
still a perfectionist, and when I found myself struggling with my
studies and suffering relationship problems, the feelings of failure
returned. I dropped out and my eating went haywire.
"Every
morning, I got up at 3am and ran for four hours on the treadmill. I ate
nothing all day but a muesli bar and then exercised again when I got
home at night.
I'd eat my evening meal, but it made me feel so
full I'd make myself throw it up. I felt depleted of happiness. I didn't
even think I was deserving of kindness.
The wrong advice
"People kept trying to give Mum advice, but they didn't
understand. They'd say, 'Oh, she just wants attention', but an anorexic
doesn't want anyone to notice how thin and sick she looks.
"The
voices grew worse than ever: 'You've put in all this hard work to be
thin, don't slip back and start eating again.' I felt ugly and
worthless. When Mum realised how long I was spending on the treadmill,
she banned me from using it. I then refused to eat.
"After four
days, I fainted in the shower and was admitted to an eating disorder
centre at Flinders Medical Centre in Adelaide. There were only six beds
available and it was difficult to get in to due to the lack of eating
disorder resources and the increasing number of people suffering from
the illness. But it meant I had 24-hour care, supervised meals and
someone to sit with me to make sure I ate.
"I realised I had reached a point where I had two choices: to get better or get worse, to live or die.
The road to recovery
"In the hospital, and later with a psychiatrist, I got to work on
my issues. I learned that you can't have control over your life and
that you don't eat because you deserve it, you eat because you have to. I
learned not to be so self- critical and focus on my strengths.
"I
still see a psychiatrist and also a dietitian. She talked to me about
what foods I liked, what foods scared me and how to judge portion sizes.
She also set me tasks like eating out with friends and allowing myself a
treat a day. She encouraged me to take up yoga rather than running
again.
A brighter future
"In the hospital, and later with a psychiatrist, I got to work on
my issues. I learned that you can't have control over your life and
that you don't eat because you deserve it, you eat because you have to. I
learned not to be so self- critical and focus on my strengths.
"I
still see a psychiatrist and also a dietitian. She talked to me about
what foods I liked, what foods scared me and how to judge portion sizes.
She also set me tasks like eating out with friends and allowing myself a
treat a day. She encouraged me to take up yoga rather than running
again.